Stress and disgress

2008-04-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

there are two types of people i can't stand
crazies and pyschos
and yes there's definitely a difference between the two - though they can be interchange in particular persons
trust me
what (or may i say whom) cannot kill me will only make me stronger
the first is an irrational being who thinks he is rational, and clearly is not, fueling conflict and problems
the second is irrational, acts irrationally and does not see the harm and distress he is causing to himself and others
though they were enemies before, united against a common foe, they will come to no good end
and that is how it should be
nothing good comes from malice intent

SAD

2008-03-10T22:32:00.000-07:00

Today I went to visit my old high school and nothing
took a nap and woke up SAD
SAD meaning seasonal affective disorder
It usually springs up on me on the onset of spring and summer
usually coming and going from time to time
around twilight
and lasting until the end of summer
I've always been affected since the fourth grade
during Lao New Year when everyone was celebrating a happy new year and all
I for no reason was sad and wanted to cry
I didn't know why
but it's never severe enough to warrant immediate medical care

for now i just need to write to make myself feel better
i came back to my apartment after visiting and doing some volunteer work at my high school
my friends and I went to go eat dinner afterwards
and when i got home, ie my apartment
i fell asleep
during my sleep I kept waking up
and when i finally stayed awake i could not go back to sleep
there was a pressure building up in my chest
it felt suffocating
I was feeling anxious
about school, finals, papers and the little and but things
it was overwhelming for me
usually by now i would go into a little depression state
but i can't because i am around people
and my housemates are getting on my last nerves
i'm on the brink of hating them
not hating but a very strong dislike for them
they are rude and inconsiderate
and these are the housemates i get along with
the other one is a totally jackass, hypocrite who i don't give a shit about
and i hope he fails in every thing he does and want
*knock* *knock* on wood so bad karma doesn't come back and bit me in the ass
I just need to vent out my feelings
I do from time to time to people,
friends etc
but i never vent out fully
i do everything half assed
which is good and bad, somewhat

for me i want to meet someone who is totally selfless
when i want them to be
so that i can tell that person what i really feel inside
but i know i cannot find anyone like that
i do not trust people at all
and people should not trust me either
i'm not saying i'll tell every little secret someone tells me
but unless that person doesn't specify not to tell another soul
i will tell
especially if that person annoys me
which i hope/think doesn't happen to often

writing out my feelings have helped me get over a little of my SAD episode
nobody really knows mu true feelings
because i'm so good at hiding it
i can switch from being
mad and irritated
to happy and content in less than a minute
you should see me at work
i just realized my facial expression cannot hide my irritation from the customers
and people do sometime notices
and i'm working on it
i need to better control my facial expression so that if i am annoyed
no one can tell

i'm a person who like and excels at starting something new
but when it comes time to finish a project
i don't have the energy to do it

I'm really afraid of death,
from past journal entries
i've written very much about this
and i think my attitude towards finishing a job
reflects that
i think sub-consicuously i don't want to finish a project
because i don't like endings
because i relate endings to death

i'm thinking to much in to this
and i shouldn't

i write like this to reflect my state of mind
there's never really a complete thought in mind
and everything connect and inter loops with one another
if u can see that or not
i dunno
it makes sense to me
for now
and it won't make sense for me
later on
i like to read my past writings
to see what state of mind i was in
and laugh at myself
or reaffirm myself

i think the person i've been looking for
the person I can talk to best
to vent to
is me
who i am writing to in this blog
but still i'm not enough for myself
but i don;t think anyone else will be able to understand me
i dunno if i am at a loss
but i do feel alone
most of the time
when i'm alone or in a room full of my friends
i feel alone
yet i feel i need or should to be alone
and so do not connect with people on a deeper level
is it because i'm so afraid of being hurt
yes and no

I have a 3 page paper due for ASA 155 about my volunteering
a 10 page paper for Jewish experience
a final for edu 110
and a final to do for ASA
the final for Soc 174 is optional, which i think i'll need to do

I wanted to give up this quarter
but i know i would regret it later
i need to fight through this
lethargic, sad, depressive mood
that hangs over me now

I need to become a fighter
i need to have something to fight for
in life
i don't
i'm only living for my parents
and my family
if it had not been for them
i think i would have commited suicide
(from the pressure i put on my self for my family)
or fade out and die
for lack of purpose

First Post

2008-02-15T01:07:00.001-08:00

YAY

randomness

Stress and disgress

SAD

First Post